So I was at the bus stop,

walking around the advertisement board a bizillion times unknowingly, deep in thought. Not like I cared if others thought I was weird, so I continued pacing. Something struck me. (some might've known the reason long ago, but it struck me HARD only today)

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It isn't because of me having major concentration problems,
or serious sleeping problems during the exams. (real bad now)

.. it's just that I've given up. Since secondary 3 or 4 actually. I'm still swimming in that pool of limitation, worry and anxiety.

Yes, I was easily distracted as a kid (feedback from teachers and parents) and I need MUCH more sleep than others to have enough energy, but I could've worked around them tactfully.

But don't judge me. You don't understand me, at all.
-

I recall those stressful four days 2 weeks back, when I had a clear goal of attaining great results, to maximise time and do what I could.. and my concentration was okay. I only gave up because I got stressed to the point I was losing part of my memory and knew that wouldn't work.

So yes, my mentality is still as such; I wouldn't make it for the A's. At least not for econs. Nobody would believe me if I said I still haven't READ (not study) more than three quarters of the content from macro, and a quarter of micro. How the hell did I do that? I wonder. MUCH MORE needs to be put in for geog, maths, gp and even art SOVA. But they're safer, at least.

I honestly haven't been able to study the past few days because my subconscious told me it's useless, it's futile. Constant "just try your best now" reminders didn't help, knowing my personality. I can't be "brainwashed" easily if I'm not convinced enough.

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So what shall I do now? Focus on the subjects I can do first.

Since I can't get rid of the mentality that I'll fail, let's see what happens. At least I won't fail at my better subjects, right?